It didn’t start well. I woke up to find that Creg had binned shit-loads of delicious vegan curry. Then was told that the bpc members had binned loads of potato waffles. Fucking unbelievable. I took a dip for a bite of one but it was not worth it. Thankfully, Mr S. Booth had provided a wheelie bin of shredded wheat to sustain me for the weekend, and well into the future.

Free of any and all responsibility, myself, Black Jewishman and Olly set off for a speedy run through Penyghent to the downstream sump and back.  We met lots of inquisitive walkers on the ascent, a nice lady offered to be our call-out. We politely declined but it was reassuring to know she had our back if things took a turn. Listening to the rumble of the stream below at the entrance Olly didn’t seem too sure about things, “I’m not sure about this” Olly said in between noises of unenthusiastic disdain.

Water levels were pretty high, and the entrance crawl exceptionally cold. Twin Falls pitch was very wet but the rope was still in place and in decent nick. At first I was a bit concerned as the stream ahead of the first pitch was very brown… “If it’s brown don’t go down”, the words of Sam Allshorn. Things quickly improved though and we pressed on. I told Olly that this was one of the the finest streamways in the Dales but he just made that noise at me that suggested he thought otherwise.

All was well until I let my guard down on Coffin Pitch. Without my knowing, Holy Emperor Botch or one of his underlings had fiddled my descender to only allow 60m of rope to pass through it (in accordance with suss GPGs), at which point it automatically locked itself off, leaving me stuck mid-pitch. I went to do a changeover only to realise someone had replaced my jammers with live snakes! I fought them off and jettisoned the descender, falling the last 6 metres but I remembered to bend my legs on landing so was fine. We down-climbed the rest of the pitches to the sump, noted the tidemark some distance above our heads and swiftly turned back. Myers Leap proved a difficult climb on the return. But I remembered something Luke Stangroom had said about swimming up waterfalls, a trick he learned from many hours in Minecraft, and we were soon on our way. Back on the surface in just under 3 hours, we briskly trotted back to the hut before our hands fell off.

Got changed out of my wetsuit and into a dry martini, then watched David complete a full traverse of the hut complete with airborne decent into forward roll while a bpc member threatened suss with large bills if the roof was broken, impressive stuff. We all then chowed down to a nice bowl of lovely curry, except we didn’t because Creg binned it. Nice one Creg.

 

Addendum

Fuck you, Botch          

Adapted by Ryan Quinoa

Fuck you, Botch
It’s time to get out of the Dales, Botch
What were you even doing there in the first place, Botch
You didn’t even get properly elected, Botch
Are you happy now, Botch
Fuck you, Botch