On the 17th of December, well into the swing of the christmas weekend away, I was persuaded to go down Darren by Sam Goodyear, our lovely fresher who is in need of a nickname. I propose ‘skiddy’.

Back to the task at hand. I had heard the darren entrance crawl was not to most people’s liking but that the rest of the cave was really big and impressive and well worth whatever misery preceeded it. My first tip for those wishing to ruin an oversuit is to get one that is slightly too small for you. It also helps greatly if you have poor seams and a small hastily repaired tear at the cross seam.

So now all you need is a bit of twatty passage (is that a euphamism?/being sexist?) to crawl horizontally but on your side and thus maximising any stretch on the seams. Now that’s done you should have quite a decent tear and be thoroughly pissed off. The bulk of the work is yet to come.

Now perhaps these are rose tinted spectacles, but the crawl wasn’t that bad if a bit wet and that bit that you got water dripping in your ear wasn’t great but not horrendous. You come out into nice passage and it does greatly help to not get lost. Unfortunately we had Big Gay Sam and Chris P Chicken with us and the subsequent hour and a quarter was spent investigating cave, a pleasant mistake. We eventually found the right way on and got to the ladder. Oh deary me.

That ladder is… is… not for the faint hearted. Due to their advancing age Mike and Glen stayed at the bottom (BURN!) and the fantastic four went ahead. A sketchy traverse a couple of fun rope down climbs later we were in the time machine. Unfortunately we didn’t go back and kill Hitler but me and Stringer did manage to install Gorbachov as leader of the Soviet Union through a few targeted assassinations and as they say the rest is history, Tovarish.

Turns out  that’s quite tiring and we were a bit slow getting back to the crawl. This didn’t bode well. Having flushed out my story with useless details let’s get back to destroying oversuits. Now if you are going to do it I suggest you have a good pun waiting, something along the lines of; ‘I know I haven’t been hitting the gym lately but I’m still well ripped’ or ‘Your face is so funny that I’ve split my sides’ or ‘My oversuit looks like that woman who gave birth to that 17lb baby, a tear you could walk through’ etc etc.

I’m not a natural crawler, that’s a fair and just understatement. That cave would be immensely improved by having a great big shaft (who wouldn’t? nudge, nudge, wink, wink) into the main chamber but oh well. It took me 2 hours to get out of there, just short of the time it took Brendan Fish and Jeff to do an even longer and harder trip (weeps silently inside). I blame… blame… oh never mind.

Basically my advice to you if you wan to rip your oversuit is; do lots of twatty crawling (like the crabs in your pubic hair),  in a thin oversuit with weak seams (shabby suit) and just being too darn big to go anywhere fast (flabby). And so I call this novel method the Shabby Crabby Flabby Technique.

I expect royalties.

Rostam